(Copied from 2/14/2015) Defining myself and starting motherhood

There were a lot of things I thought I was prepared for in having a baby. Four months before my due date I already had the nursery all set up, diapers purchased, much of the clothing, and even a plan for what to do in every situation. I might have gone a little overboard. I was going to be a first-time mom and I wanted to be as prepared as I possibly could. Growing up, I was always considered the babysitter. I love kids. I love spending time with them during their good times and the bad times. When I was 10 years old I even babysat for infant triplets, I was ready for anything.

But when I had my little girl Evelyn, it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. Physically I had everything ready. I had read about all the items that were the necessary things for baby, and a few things that were just helpful things to have. But what I wasn't ready for was the emotional strain having a baby would put on me. During the first month my milk went from so much I had to store it in the freezer, to practically nothing. I felt miserable I could not take care of my own child. I felt like I was ill-equipped. I had a bad case of the baby blues, most of my friends had abandoned me when I told them I was pregnant, and not to mention the little sleep and motional drain after having a baby. My milk production still sways back-and-forth, but I have learned how to manage it better. With only having a six week old baby, I feel like I have learned a tremendous amount. I have learned that breast-feeding does not come natural like I expected it to. I have learned that it is okay to feel sad when you feel like you should be happy for all the wonderful things you have. But above all I have learned more about myself than anything else. Before now,I didn't know how much of a not to stay at home person I was. I realized that staying inside and taking care of my baby that I love so very much, wasn't enough for me. I felt guilty for this realization. How could my new baby girl not be enough for me? At first I related it to losing my identity. I no longer had my rabbit, I no longer had my red hair, nor did I have the time to do my art. And being on maternity leave the last defining factor of myself that I related to was teaching art, I wasn't able to do that either. All the things that I felt to find me we're gone. Being a mom had not become something that defined me yet, it's still hasn't. I know one day it will, I won't be able to force it sooner.

Over the next few weeks, I plan to talk about how I am dealing with finding myself, defining who I am, and managing mother. I know I won't be perfect at it, and I don't expect this blog to be an advice blog. But I hope that this will become an avenue in which I can share, open up, and find who I am again.